Decisions decisions

First off, I can’t believe its been a month!! A whole month and I DID NOT WRITE anything! Bad bad girl!

Secondly, I don’t think I want to write about my book here – but I would like to share the process with you. The why, how and any interviews etc that I may do…

My first step, of course, was to do some research. Research about Rape. Research about the feelings and emotions of those that have been sexually abused or raped. Not a pretty topic I know, and not one that people would bring into polite conversation.

You see, my book idea is about a woman who was raped and her story – it would be purely fictional – and I would not necessarily be speaking from my own experiences – but rather, I would like to incorporate the feelings and emotions I pick up from my friends who have been abused (most of my good friends were abused as children, or raped later on in life).  I know the behaviour that they exhibit, I have picked up on things, and even when friends have never said anything to me, or mentioned to me what has happened to them – I’ve picked up on it and told them that I know.

This inevitibly brings tears… unfortunately. But at the same time, healing? I know you’re probably thinking “why on earth would she even bring that up!” Why? Because sometimes people need to be honest about it – they need to know that it wasn’t their fault – and they need to be reminded of that, and also of the fact that, despite the shit they’ve been through, despite what happened to them, they do still deserve to be loved and appreciated for the amazing people they are. They shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel the need to hide behind a screen. I guess I just wanted them to know that I knew, and also to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. The fact that they were hurt in such a way didn’t disgust me or make me love them any less. In fact, it may have even increased my respect for them. Knowing that they face their demons every day – that they live with the fact every day, and yet they still smile and talk and participate in life. I am proud to know such brave and extraordinary people – even if others don’t know how brave and extraordinary they are…

So, I know that SanityFound and a few others have started a blog about drugs and alchohol addictions – the battle stories – and how people have braved their addictions and are sharing with others. Perhaps some of you – if you have been raped or abused in any way, I was hoping that you would maybe share with me? Share with me, and I would love to publish – anonymously of course – your story, a safe place, where no-one knows your name or your face. I will create a new blog specifically for this purpose: Silence has a voice.

I will start that blog off my telling you a little bit about my friends and what they have been through – perhaps then those of you that can, will share your stories there as well…

The way that others see you

I always find it strange. You know, the way that someone else looks at me. The way that they understand me. The way that they “see” me.

My cousin and I were born 4 months apart. I have known her all my life. We weren’t close growing up, but since my move back to Cape Town she has become my best friend. We happened to spend an hour in the car together over the weekend. Just me and her. Driving.

And the things she was saying, about how she sees me… well, they were pretty awesome.  You know, the way that I see it, my life happened – when I was a youngster, and my folks got divorced, there wasn’t really anything I could do to make things “better”. That’s how things were. I accepted them, made the most of it and moved on.

She sees me as this person who has had a shit life, and as someone who has come through the otherside, not just surviving, but as someone who should be (and is) proud of everything achieved. She was saying to me that I could have, and possibly should have, been someone on drugs etc, etc. My mom lives in another town, another country, my father does not support me in any way… and yet, yet I still am doing well in my job, studying hard and moving forward, striving to be the best that I can be.

She seemed, not awed, but impressed that I had not gone the “wrong” way. I said to her, well, I had many choices to make when I was younger, and I made them. I am not the type to sit and regret the things I have or haven’t done – this is the way that things are, and I am moving towards where I want to be.

I guess the thing that has always been there for me…. is that I don’t want to turn out like my father. That has been my driving force since I started working.  I want to have money for a rainy day. I want to be able to feed my all of my children on a regular basis. I want to be there for my children as they grow up. Spoil them with love… not money.

I also have quite a strict boss you know… I’m pretty hard on myself, and I don’t like failure… my other problem is that I am also scared of success. I watched Akeelah and the Bee yesterday… such a heart warming movie… there’s a quote in there, I can’t remember who wrote it – but it goes along the lines of: “We are not afraid of failure, but rather of success. Who are you to be gorgeous, clever, etc… actually who are you not to be?” I need to find that damn thing. Its going to be my mantra for the next few months I’ve decided.

Anyway, back to the point. My cousin sees me as someone who escaped, resisted or ignored all the “easy” doors and is proud of where and who I am. She sees me as someone who could have gone completely down hill, and yet, here I stand, I’m not on drugs, I did not accidentally fall pregnant… I made it through almost unscathed – I am “balanced”. What she doesn’t understand is that I never gave myself the option. I didn’t want to be dependant on anyone or anything. I needed to make it for myself. I needed to be able to count on someone. And that someone was me. I was the only constant in my life. Throughout my youth, yes, my brother was there, but then he left, I moved around, he moved around – we were always in each others life, but we both learned, the hard way, that all we could count on was ourselves.

That I think is the reason I am the way I am. Even now, being with the most amazing man. There may be times when he doesn’t want to follow, lead or walk besides me and I will have to do things alone. I expect and accept this. Because that is who I am.

The nice thing though? Mostly I will never have to walk alone again. I have my family with me now. My friends. They will hold my hands… yes, both of them… But should the need ever arise. I know that I am able to walk alone along my path… and I also know that I am now able to ask. a lesson hard to learn. but magical nontheless.

Time Out

I hate being sick. Being sick really sucks. But I guess that sometimes, just sometimes, you need it so that you can just shut down for a few days. I guess.

Today is my first day in this week. My Monday is everyone else’s Friday.  And I have anti biotics in my system to boot, which of course kill any good bacteria I was trying to grow and maintain in my aching stomach… and which also seem to have taken away my appetite.

So today. Its almost as though I’ve been asleep. I can’t remember how to do things. My brain feels fried. It can’t remember things it knew to be second nature a few weeks ago. What on earth is happening to it? To much power? over fried electrical shorts?

Well, I’m just going to take each day, each hour as it comes… and sort slowly through everything that needs sorting… My emails are out of the way…

And I guess, to make sure I don’t get so hectic busy and forget about things again… well, I guess I need my half hour on here every day. Having my say, telling my stories…

Next week, I won’t be hitting the ground running, but rather gingerly, tenderly, taking myself out of my bed, and bringing myself with love and care… not the reckless abandon, not unlike a chicken with its head cut off.

I hope. That I Can. Do This. For Me. Hold thumbs? I know I am…

Time passing

I can’t believe its been nearly 2 weeks since I’ve written up here. And I’ve really missed it.

An update of things – well, I still haven’t heard from my father – he’s probably waiting for me to phone and apologise, and I, well, I’m not going to do that… and at the same time I am not holding my breathe while I wait for him to call me. I guess we’re at a stalemate.  But like I said to my sister – I’m tired of trying and trying all the time, and everytime I try, well, my help or whatever is accepted for a while, and then it gets thrown out. I get thrown out. And it makes me feel like a little girl being kicked to the curb. And I need to protect the little me from the likes of my father… so I’m just not going to put myself in that situation anymore.

I am however “talking” to my sister. We are sending mails to each other – and I’m trying to be as honest with her as possible about how I see her, or what I think she needs, while at the same time building her up and offering my hand. I won’t pick up the phone to call her as she tends not to answer my calls… but email seems somehow to be working. I have also (I think) made it quite clear to her that I am here if she needs me, but I’m not prepared to go out on a limb. and perhaps one day she’ll understand that.

Work has gone mad. I have been doing things I’ve been wanting to and dreaming of doing for AGES! And it is keeping me very busy and very focused on all of my left brain activities… task after task after task. list of things I need to do… and another list of things that I just can’t… wow. its been busy.

My journalism course is going great. We’ve been getting homework… we had 5 pictures that we had to write about, and then from those pictures we had to come up with a theme/plot/storyline… I’ll post those soon! But I didn’t manage to scan the photo’s…. so I will give a brief explanation of each of the photo’s before I post the writings!

Time passess… and people heal. People change. People grow.

A lot has happened on the surface,  but inside me, there is more. I am even more still inside than I was. I don’t have all these “why’s” or “hows” etc running through my head. I only have quiet. I can focus and concentrate on the things that need doing without getting dramatic about moments that are going on in my life.

I’m finding that I am picking up more and more on other’s feelings – making them my own – sometimes its very difficult to seperate what I’m feeling and what others are feeling – its almost as though I am them… and I can feel things. mostly I know that its not me, because I don’t have a reason to be angry at the world, or frustrated at myself… because I am, when alone, content… I do not doubt myself, or my abilities. I am like the little train engine that could… I think I can, I think I can, I know I can…

I only need to learn to seperate my stuff from others… when I do have my moments… and hopefully I don’t have the ability to “implant” what I am feeling into them the way their feelings seem to implant to me…  Its confusing, but at the same time incredibly interesting trying to read the feelings and see where they’re coming from… For example, I can feel all the aches and pains in my body, and I listen to them to see what is going on in my body… when I ovulate, I feel it. I know that almost as soon as I ovulate, my breasts are sore – they remain that way for 2 to 3 weeks – right up until the last day of my period.

I am and have been listening to my body for quite a long time now… and to feel these alien feelings, to feel my pulse rate increase, butterflies in my stomach, when I am feeling calm or have no reason to be nervous, tense or stressed… Its incredibly interesting to see myself like that, to feel these alien feelings… to make them my own, when they truly don’t belong to me… Now all I need to do is SEPERATE them! To realise, understand and seperate before they boggle my mind… but I guess that that will happen, the more aware I am of my body, the more aware I will become and the more I will know what is mine and what is not…

Regret. Guilt.

Today I have had my heart broken. Torn in two. Knowing how someone truly sees you. Understanding the contempt, fear and loathing that they truly hold for you is incredibly, incredibly sad.

I feel as though my best friend has died. Or as though my boyfriend left me. Neither of these has happened (thankfully). But this is how I feel. My heart is broken. I am so sad. I was in the bathroom at work this morning crying my little heart out.

Why? you ask… simple. Two words.

My father.

I think that today is the day that, well, if he were a lover or a friend, after finding out and understanding how he truly sees me, well, knowing this… I don’t think I can call myself his daughter anymore. It doesn’t feel like I am. Not after the way that he spoke to me. Not after this. He is a sperm donor… but he has never taken an active role in my life.  Well… to be fair, he may have… but I don’t think I can remember when.

He has never offered me advice (that I have wanted to take). When I was 19 and moved back home, he let me stay for cheaper rent than I would have paid somewhere else, but within 2 years I was homeless (not in the true sense… but it was either move out and take my shit with me, or stay and put it in storage – oh and share my room with my little sister… so I chose the moving out option). Since then he has only ever called me when he needed something. Either money or for me to drive my sister somewhere or some such.

Today he told me that my sister would rather lie to me than have me get angry (which of course makes things worse for her, because I just don’t trust her or believe anything she says)… all to avoid confrontation. He is protecting her so intensely – which I think is great, at least he’s doing that for her… but at the same time, he’s trying to shut out the rest of the world.

He told me that he had been trying to tell my sisters mom (not my mommy) for the whole week that my sis is not on drugs etc, etc… and that she has made my sis’s life a misery because she wants to take her for drug counselling… and basically my father loathes the very ground that my sisters mom walks on.  And today. Well, today he said something along the lines of “What you people don’t understand about Blondie (my sis)….” meaning that he put me in the same box as her mom. Meaning that what ever transgressions I have done I am now on the “people I hate list” that my father has in his mind.

I am compared to and boxed with her mom. And she wants nothing to do with me (according to my father). So. Not only am I not good enough to help when needed (because I’m clearly not an active member of the family), I am now actually an outsider. I am someone to be called a foe. Someone to fight with. Why? Because I treated my sister with a dose of reality every now and again. Because if she lied, I got angry, if she took without asking, I got angry. Because I didn’t agree with her decisions about things that she was doing in my house, or with my stuff, I got angry.

I won’t defend myself. I know, within my very being, what I have done for her. I know what I haven’t done for my father – when he was in financial difficulty and I didn’t help (firstly because I didn’t have the money to help, and secondly, I can’t really help someone who doesn’t help themselves…). I’m not sure what his reasons are… but I know what I have done. And I have always tried to do the best that I can with what has been available.

Do I regret the things that I’ve done? Do I regret the way that I have behaved? No. But for some reason I feel as though its up to me to fix things. I feel guilty because I no longer want to play this game. I feel guilty because I have had enough… And now?

Now. My heart is broken. Knowing that my father, my father… loathes his own daughter. Because she didn’t take his side. Because she argued back. All he has left now is my sister… my brother has left and I have never been his… all he has is my sister. And I truly am not a member of his family. I’m not sure I ever really was….

My heart is broken.

Admin mode

I have been in admin mode the last few days. I have so much I need to arrange and organise, and I don’t want to drop any balls… so I have been and still am in admin mode!

I find it very difficult to write anything while in this space… and the longer I am in admin mode, the more guilty I feel about not showing up here! But I know, that as time goes by, and as I get more comfortable in my new role, things will calm down and not overwhelm me as much…

I am still here… I am still reading a few words… But, from a creative point of view, from a writing point of view… I have had to put a lid on it – as that part of me interferes significantly with admin mode…

I guess there is a time and place for everything, and for the last few months I have enjoyed the absence of Admin Mode… but for this week, and probably next week, Admin Mode needs to be in top form… So.. here goes the super efficient lady bug in her super fast super high heeled shoes… (ha ha… i don’t own super high heeled shoes)…

yes… I’m feeling discombobulated at present…

Running… not hiding

Well. I have no excuses… as usual.

But at least, today, I am showing up. No, I’m not hiding out… not “can’t think of anything to write” excuse making…  I just seem to have hit the ground running this week.  Why?

Well, last week we had some discussions around strategy and what should happen where etc in our office and well, being Cape Town, I thought that the decisions and discussions around this may take a while. Turns out they took exactly 3 working days. From our first “discussion” last week Wednesday, until yesterday, it was decided that I would get a promotion and therefore be given loads more responsibility.So. On top of doing what I am currently doing, I will now have a say on what needs to be done… I will be the direction giver!!!

So you see, I am not hiding, I am, literally, running around – trying to put strategies on the table and to ensure that my company knows that they have made the right decision in choosing me! Because I CAN do it! I was doing it in my previous company, without the “title”… and now, after just 1 year here, it has been decided that I am now a decision maker (yes, I still take everything past the directors etc- but if I don’t like it, then it doesn’t come past me!!!).

I am uber excited and uber scared! I mean seriously, what if I crash? I guess that nerves is what makes it real. You know, if I were over confident I most certainly would crash – but the fact that I consider the possibility ensures that I remain on my toes and focused! So… please forgive me while I readjust and accept this new situation… this new station… this new place in my life.

I have missed writing… missed the feeling after I’ve written a piece. I am really feeling withdrawals! And soon… soon I hope to have Internet at home!!! Because then, then I can write every evening instead of every morning… And I can also spend more time reading other blogs more regularly!