Friends who frustrate

Ok, so I know we’re supposed to love and support our friends no matter what right? And perhaps try and guide them when we feel they’re making a mistake or setting themselves up. But at the same time, we need to allow them to explore for themselves and to let them understand and realise what is best for them in their own time.

I know a girl. I met her in, I think, May last year. She had such an amazing energy and everyone was just drawn to her. She and I struck up an immediate friendship and we just enjoyed spending hours talking! She is such an interesting woman. Her life up to now has been filled with experiences and travels… she has taken chances and really lived.

A few years ago she got married, and within a few months of her marraige she realised that her husband had been cheating on her… so she ran away to another country and lived and worked there for a few years. And at the beginning of last year (roughly), she decided to come back (after 2 or 3 years away) and to try and make her marraige work. So she moved back in with her husband.

When I first met her they were trying to patch things up. Trying to move forward. But it soon became clear that he was still mucking around. And of course lying through his teeth about it, even when confronted by her with proof of the affair(s). And yet still she was trying.

And then last month he hit her. Now, I saw her last night for the first time in about a month. And I realised that every time I see her, all we do is talk about her relationship – which I have no problem doing. But at the same time, its the same things over and over again. The two of them fight and argue. I don’t think they’ve gone one day where they are civil to each other. Their behaviour towards one another is completely disrespectful. It is horrible to listen to.

On one hand I can understand where she’s coming from – in that she really wants her marraige to work. You know, to get married once only. I’m so with her on that. One day, when I’m all grow’d up, I would like to get married… and stay married. I don’t want my children growing up like I did. With parents and grandparents and step grandparents (we’ll actually… they have step grandparents because both Monkey and I have (or had) step parents, but anyways… step grandparents in that they are their step parents parents). Yes, I turned out fine… but my sister didn’t. And I know a lot of other kids that haven’t. I want a whole family for my kids. Not a broken one. But I digress…

So, I understand and can empathise with the feelings of “failure”. Of not being able to “make it work”. But at some point she needs to realise that it is not her failure. She is not the one running around sleeping with others. It is her husbands lack of respect not only for her, but for the institution of marraige. And it is bringing her down. Her energy is so low. She is not the woman I met not even a year ago.

I tried to tell her last night that if she walks away its not her fault. You really can only try for so long. There are no kids involved and the damage done to her because of 12 odd years with this man can be healed. She can recharge. But perhaps she is addicted to the “excitement”, to the “challenge”? I don’t know. All I know is that she is not happy. But she is stressed because she has no job, no money and she relies on him. But at the same time, she could go back to the country where she was living… work on her writing… work as a teacher as she was doing… earn some money and start her career. On her terms. In her space. Where she can pull herself back together.

How on earth can you help someone who is not prepared to help herself? At some point you need to get some perspective. She need to look at things from a friends point of view. If her friend was going through this, what would she say to her?

But again… I understand and realise that some people need to hit rock bottom. They need to go so far that they break… and then only will they start to heal. But me? I don’t think I can watch this. I don’t think I can stand by and watch her go down that hill. I don’t know her long or well enough. But I do know that she needs someone to yank her up and pull her out… so she can gain some appreciationg for who she is. So that she can start refuelling. She really was a ball of light… beautiful energy. And now? Now I’m worried. And I have said what I thought needed to be said… to her… but ultimately, only she can choose.

A new edition to the family

So, last night my partner and I were sitting on the couch. I’d just arrived home and supper was being cooked and we were just sitting.

He was playing with his new toy (a new cell/mobile phone). And on this thing he can see his e-mail, which he happened to be checking.  And of course I, being the inquisitive being that I am, I questioned him on who a strange lady was that was emailing him. The conversation went something like this:

me: Who’s Mary?
him: No-one (he says while pulling his phone out of my eye line)
me: No seriously, who is she?
him: No-one
me: is this your other girlfriend? (this is a joke we’ve  had since the inception of our relationship… that we both had “other” partners)
him: yes, this is her
me: Ok, so am I ever going to find out who she is? (not really thinking its his other girlfriend, but this man of mine is really not good at keeping secrets… he just can’t do it. Seriously)
him: Yes, one day
me: ok, so give me a time line of when I’ll know by.
him: no, then that will give it away
me: ok, so its a surprise. Ooh ooh I like surprises
him: oh no man. Now I want to tell you. I’ve been trying so hard not to tell you.
me: you don’t have to tell me
him: no, but now i want to
me: ok, so enough already, just bladdy well tell me!
him: I found us a beagle puppy. That’s your anniversary present
me: whaat? A puppy? Yahay!!!! We’re getting a puppy

and that’s where that conversation ended with some big kisses! I’ve wanted a puppy for ages! and now that we’re almost certainly getting one I find myself full of doubts.

For example:

I’ve never really been a dog person, and I’ve always thought that I would come around to a particular dog if I had it from a puppy… my puppy. So I can bond with it like I have with my two kitty’s.This doubt I think I can safely say will dissappear I’m sure as soon as I see the pup. Because who doesn’t love puppies? And I know that if I see his little face day and day out, and when his face lights up when he sees me, and when he lets me know he wants to go walkies… then I will just keep falling in love with him. Again and again and again.

A second fear, or doubt, or hesitation that I have is that, well, I’ve always felt that I wasn’t going to settle here, in South Africa. You know, have kids, raise a family, that kind of thing. And the fact that we’re getting a dog – perhaps two of them even, well, that means that its another cost to be incurred when we move – because there’s no way I’m leaving my babies behind. Where I go, they go. Note, I said when… not if.

And then I think to myself, well, we’ve already got 2 cats and they are going to be expensive to move. Whats another 1 or 2 pets? I love animals. And I am really excited to have the puppy/ies. We have plenty of love to give and share and what better way than to bring a new little soul into our world? Yes, I know it will need training and loads and loads of understanding and attention. But isn’t that a good test to parenting?

Not that I’m comparing a dog to a child… ok, maybe I am, but its not meant to be offensive. Its just that, well, this is the man that I do one day want to procreate with and I’d like to see first if we can handle a responsibility like that (not that a dog is any less or more of a responsibility), but a dog will also need love and attention and discipline just like any child would. Just like my cats needed (yes, you can train cats – mine are very well trained. They just do what they want. grin).

But we will be doing it together. Bringing a new little being into our home together. Its a new step for us. And I’m really looking forward to it. I don’t see it as a challenge – but a beautiful experience. A new town, a new home, a new life, a new start.  What better way to settle in that to fill your home with love and playfulness that only a little one can do?

Another worry I have is of course how my kitty’s will accept the new addition. My girl will be fine. She knows her place is with me, and no dog has ever managed to make her worry about that. But my boy? He’s so scared of dogs – that’s why I told my partner we need to get a puppy. Otherwise we could have gone to the animal shelter… My boy takes a bit longer to adjust. I’m sure that he’ll befriend it and love it like my girl, but he has a completely different personality – he gets jealous and paranoid and he has a weight problem. No seriously. I’ve tried putting him on a diet – nothing works. Its ever since he’s been fixed, he just put on weight and has never really lost it. Even in the stress of moving towns, he kept his weight. He is huge! 10kg’s big! I’ll tell you my stories and theories about him soon! I promise.

So basically my worries come to three things:

1. Am I going to be a good mom and love the puppy like I love my kitty’s?
2. Does this mean we’re staying for good? And can I accept that?
3. How are my kitty’s going to handle it?

And I guess my answer to myself is this:

1. Jinxie (thanks SF and Amber), this puppy will bring you only joy. He will work his way into your heart quicker than you can say “I’ll just maybe think about how I feel about you”.
2. This answer will come in time. No matter how many pets are with you… they will go with you and a plan will be made to keep them.
3. Only time will tell this as well – but animals adapt pretty well. My girl will settle quickly – she may not like that my attention is elsewhere, but then again, she will also have another family member to lick and to love. My boy, well, we’ll have to introduce them properly. And if this means locking them both in the bathroom for a few hours every day together to ensure that they get used to one another. We just need to show all animals concerned that they are still our number 1! Yes, all of them. No.1 girl kitty, no.1 boy kitty and no.1 doggy.

And that as they say. Is that.

So… we’re getting a puppy!!! Yahay!!! Wooohoooo!!! Excitement delux! A new edition!!! I can’t wait to love and cuddle and spoil another creature! Welcome to my heart and my home little pup.

Now I just hope we really do get him!

A lil something something about me

Good morning. Its a  cold day in Cape Town today. One of those days that you just wish that you could snuggle in bed the whole day! mmm… and yet, here I am, early in the morning, bright and shiny and at work.

I’ve thought a lot over the weekend what I wanted my first personal entry to be about. And I thought, well, what better way to start something personal, than with a personal view… perhaps a conversation I had with someone that prompted me to FINALLY start my own blog.

This someone I had a conversation with, Maude, well, we went to primary school together. She was only at our school for a few years, and then she disappeared. Now I can’t say that we were that close, because if we were we would have stayed in touch after she left, but we didn’t. But then again, we were in primary school… You don’t think much about these things when you’re that little.

Anyways, so a few years later, I thinks it was on a school reunited site, we got in touch again – this must have been on about 2002 or 2003. We had a few discussions on where we were in our lives and how things were going… and then it ended again. And then of course, came FaceBook. I found out about it through a friend, went on to it, joined the millions of facebookers and well, found Maude again. We chatted again, exchanged email addresses and then didn’t really chat again.

Until last week. It was her birthday you see… and her birthday is on the same day as another friend of mine, so I remembered. and I wished her via an online chat programme.  And we got to talking.

She was a bit surprised that I knew it was her birthday, unfortunately i’m not a very good liar, so I had to tell her that FB told me it was her B-day, and the fact that it fell on the same day as another friend, well, that just made me remember.

Our main discussion was around our seemingly stop start relationship. You know how some people come into and out of your life for a period of time, there for a few hours, days or years and then suddenly just gone? Well, technically, I’ve known Maude probably for just over 20 years now and yet I haven’t seen her since we were I think 10 or 12? And yet we are still in touch. Somewhere along the way we had both made a decision. A decision that allowed us both to be open to someone we once knew. To get in touch again.

We were talking philosophically about life and how the choices we make define who we are. Here is an excerpt of our conversation:

Maude: Everything has its time and place its incredible really how it all works this jigsaw of ours

me: it really is people are brought into and out of our lives… sometimes just to show us or teach us one small thing… that will change our lives forever… and others can be in them for years… teaching us and guiding us slowly and gently…

Maude: I couldn’t have said it better yes each person is part of the spiderweb some threads last a life time lessons to be learnt – you are a wise soul, not many people can see it as that. does that sound funny?

me: i like to think of life as a tree. (p.s. no, it doesn’t sound funny… some webs break, some take longer to form… its a really good analogy). in the tree thing…. you know its kind of fate vs what you make of it type thing. i believe that our lives are mapped out based on the lessons we need to learn. how far we get is up to us…

Maude: very true

me: each decision we make brings us to a new branch, the branch we take determines where we end up. so there are many possibilities for our fate… but we get to choose how we get there.

Maude: yes and we get to chose how we go from branch to branch – choose who we are. love that analogy

me: for example… i could have come back here (to Cape Town) after high school… but i wouldn’t have met the people i now have in my life, the people i don’t know what i would do without out. yes, i would have met others… but not these guys. and they are amazing.

Maude: you chose a certain branch and you chose well. some people choose weak branches, they can feel that they are weak, they even break but they don’t jump across to a different one they stay hanging on to that same branch. sad – it takes strength to jump, says a lot about you

me: exactly . our decisions define who we are… but the choices were  predetermined… a bit hectic hey?

Maude: nah I agree fully

me: wait… i’ll write about my theory one day….

Maude: you blog? you should blog if you dont already

And so here we here. My first entry. And, after thinking about it for quite a while. I am finally here. I made a choice, chose a branch. So Maude, if you’re listening. I would just like to thank you. And also say, that I am really looking forward to seeing you on Sunday. For the first time in about 20 years.