Time passing

I can’t believe its been nearly 2 weeks since I’ve written up here. And I’ve really missed it.

An update of things – well, I still haven’t heard from my father – he’s probably waiting for me to phone and apologise, and I, well, I’m not going to do that… and at the same time I am not holding my breathe while I wait for him to call me. I guess we’re at a stalemate.  But like I said to my sister – I’m tired of trying and trying all the time, and everytime I try, well, my help or whatever is accepted for a while, and then it gets thrown out. I get thrown out. And it makes me feel like a little girl being kicked to the curb. And I need to protect the little me from the likes of my father… so I’m just not going to put myself in that situation anymore.

I am however “talking” to my sister. We are sending mails to each other – and I’m trying to be as honest with her as possible about how I see her, or what I think she needs, while at the same time building her up and offering my hand. I won’t pick up the phone to call her as she tends not to answer my calls… but email seems somehow to be working. I have also (I think) made it quite clear to her that I am here if she needs me, but I’m not prepared to go out on a limb. and perhaps one day she’ll understand that.

Work has gone mad. I have been doing things I’ve been wanting to and dreaming of doing for AGES! And it is keeping me very busy and very focused on all of my left brain activities… task after task after task. list of things I need to do… and another list of things that I just can’t… wow. its been busy.

My journalism course is going great. We’ve been getting homework… we had 5 pictures that we had to write about, and then from those pictures we had to come up with a theme/plot/storyline… I’ll post those soon! But I didn’t manage to scan the photo’s…. so I will give a brief explanation of each of the photo’s before I post the writings!

Time passess… and people heal. People change. People grow.

A lot has happened on the surface,  but inside me, there is more. I am even more still inside than I was. I don’t have all these “why’s” or “hows” etc running through my head. I only have quiet. I can focus and concentrate on the things that need doing without getting dramatic about moments that are going on in my life.

I’m finding that I am picking up more and more on other’s feelings – making them my own – sometimes its very difficult to seperate what I’m feeling and what others are feeling – its almost as though I am them… and I can feel things. mostly I know that its not me, because I don’t have a reason to be angry at the world, or frustrated at myself… because I am, when alone, content… I do not doubt myself, or my abilities. I am like the little train engine that could… I think I can, I think I can, I know I can…

I only need to learn to seperate my stuff from others… when I do have my moments… and hopefully I don’t have the ability to “implant” what I am feeling into them the way their feelings seem to implant to me…  Its confusing, but at the same time incredibly interesting trying to read the feelings and see where they’re coming from… For example, I can feel all the aches and pains in my body, and I listen to them to see what is going on in my body… when I ovulate, I feel it. I know that almost as soon as I ovulate, my breasts are sore – they remain that way for 2 to 3 weeks – right up until the last day of my period.

I am and have been listening to my body for quite a long time now… and to feel these alien feelings, to feel my pulse rate increase, butterflies in my stomach, when I am feeling calm or have no reason to be nervous, tense or stressed… Its incredibly interesting to see myself like that, to feel these alien feelings… to make them my own, when they truly don’t belong to me… Now all I need to do is SEPERATE them! To realise, understand and seperate before they boggle my mind… but I guess that that will happen, the more aware I am of my body, the more aware I will become and the more I will know what is mine and what is not…