What you put in is what you put out

I know that its been a while (again) since i’ve visited my space here.. ok, so 1 week isn’t to bad.

And in that time, well, in the time since I last wrote, well, I’ve had a really great chat with both my mother and brother about my father. And well, decisions are as they are. And this one isn’t really mine to make. Ok, I’m lying. It is. What have I decided?

Well, in terms of my father… I’ve decided to leave things for now. I just get upset, and its not really worth it anymore. So. I am trying a new tactic. One that doesn’t worry about when he may call, or whether or not he loves me etc, etc, etc.

He made it clear that my opinions and thoughts are not welcome, and I suppose he is entitled to it. I don’t think I over reacted, I just got quite a fright, realising how strong his “anti” feelings were. That’s all. I should have seen it coming…

So. If he phones me, then he phones me. I won’t be rude or impolite, but I also won’t let him get to me anymore. If I don’t agree with something, I say so, but I won’t be emotional about it anymore. This is for him to sort through, he doesn’t need his daughter telling him what he should or shouldn’t do.

The only really crap thing is that it is my sister who is suffering through all of this. My baby sister. (19 yr old…). And she is “tired of fighting with family”. What she hasn’t yet realised yet is that I’m not fighting with her, I’m trying to guide her – perhaps I’m not doing it in a way that she will compute, but I (was) doing it the only way I knew how. by telling, talking, and showing frustrations. She said that she’d heard what I had said to our father, and she no longer wanted to fight.

And I responded, saying that I have a problem with her lies… something she knows about because I’ve spoken to her about it before. The fact that she lies upsets me more than if she was just honest with me in the first place. If she fucked something up, tell me. Don’t lie about it… because then I have to deal with the fuck up and the disrespect of the lie. No.

I said that she had heard about a conversation that was had from one side, and if she wanted to ask me about it she was more than welcome to. And then I told her that I will always be her big sister and I will always love her.

I’m not sure when I will speak to either of them again. And the reality is… that, for now, I’m actually ok with it. Yes, I might be putting all this in that little box of “things I don’t want to think about” right now… and one day the jack will spring and this may just come tumbling out… But I’m smiling and laughing and loving again.

I realised that, no matter what my father said to me, or says in the future, I know who I am. I know what I am. And he can’t take that away from me. I am still the same person standing here, regardless of how he feels or what he thinks about me. My barrier is up. He cannot cross. Hopefully the barrier is only up for him… and not for everyone else… but I still feel so full of love for my Monkey and Baby G and my kitty’s… so I reckon the barrier is in just the right place…

The heading of this post is so not what I actually wrote about… Grin. It was going to be about STATS of the blog!!! Duh well… perhaps tomorrow.