Regret. Guilt.
13 February, 2009Today I have had my heart broken. Torn in two. Knowing how someone truly sees you. Understanding the contempt, fear and loathing that they truly hold for you is incredibly, incredibly sad.
I feel as though my best friend has died. Or as though my boyfriend left me. Neither of these has happened (thankfully). But this is how I feel. My heart is broken. I am so sad. I was in the bathroom at work this morning crying my little heart out.
Why? you ask… simple. Two words.
My father.
I think that today is the day that, well, if he were a lover or a friend, after finding out and understanding how he truly sees me, well, knowing this… I don’t think I can call myself his daughter anymore. It doesn’t feel like I am. Not after the way that he spoke to me. Not after this. He is a sperm donor… but he has never taken an active role in my life. Well… to be fair, he may have… but I don’t think I can remember when.
He has never offered me advice (that I have wanted to take). When I was 19 and moved back home, he let me stay for cheaper rent than I would have paid somewhere else, but within 2 years I was homeless (not in the true sense… but it was either move out and take my shit with me, or stay and put it in storage – oh and share my room with my little sister… so I chose the moving out option). Since then he has only ever called me when he needed something. Either money or for me to drive my sister somewhere or some such.
Today he told me that my sister would rather lie to me than have me get angry (which of course makes things worse for her, because I just don’t trust her or believe anything she says)… all to avoid confrontation. He is protecting her so intensely – which I think is great, at least he’s doing that for her… but at the same time, he’s trying to shut out the rest of the world.
He told me that he had been trying to tell my sisters mom (not my mommy) for the whole week that my sis is not on drugs etc, etc… and that she has made my sis’s life a misery because she wants to take her for drug counselling… and basically my father loathes the very ground that my sisters mom walks on. And today. Well, today he said something along the lines of “What you people don’t understand about Blondie (my sis)….” meaning that he put me in the same box as her mom. Meaning that what ever transgressions I have done I am now on the “people I hate list” that my father has in his mind.
I am compared to and boxed with her mom. And she wants nothing to do with me (according to my father). So. Not only am I not good enough to help when needed (because I’m clearly not an active member of the family), I am now actually an outsider. I am someone to be called a foe. Someone to fight with. Why? Because I treated my sister with a dose of reality every now and again. Because if she lied, I got angry, if she took without asking, I got angry. Because I didn’t agree with her decisions about things that she was doing in my house, or with my stuff, I got angry.
I won’t defend myself. I know, within my very being, what I have done for her. I know what I haven’t done for my father – when he was in financial difficulty and I didn’t help (firstly because I didn’t have the money to help, and secondly, I can’t really help someone who doesn’t help themselves…). I’m not sure what his reasons are… but I know what I have done. And I have always tried to do the best that I can with what has been available.
Do I regret the things that I’ve done? Do I regret the way that I have behaved? No. But for some reason I feel as though its up to me to fix things. I feel guilty because I no longer want to play this game. I feel guilty because I have had enough… And now?
Now. My heart is broken. Knowing that my father, my father… loathes his own daughter. Because she didn’t take his side. Because she argued back. All he has left now is my sister… my brother has left and I have never been his… all he has is my sister. And I truly am not a member of his family. I’m not sure I ever really was….
My heart is broken.
*Hugs*
Sam, I know you’re feeling horrible and that your heart feels like it’s bleeding steadily. I know you feel betrayed and hurt and cut off. Let me remind you though, dear, that your father might not have meant it the way you see it. He was angry when speaking and he boxed you in with someone he hates – true, but it might have been out of momentary temper. You two don’t see eye to eye about many things – you know that facing reality is important and is a lesson better taught sooner by a friend than later by a catastrophe that leaves facing reality an inevitable thing. Your father and sister don’t understand this, and so obviously disagreements easily crop up. But can you see that you’re the one who’s sticking to your principles here? You’re the one who’s trying to help them, and they truly don’t deserve your help because they’re not helping themselves. You know you’ve done right and that you tried your best. I know it’s easier said than done but – don’t feel guilty. There’s no need to waste guilt on the people who’ve refused your help. You’ve tried, lord knows you’ve tried. If they want to mend the rift, I’m sure you won’t be petty and refuse them. But it’s not up to you anymore, hun.
Thank-you for your kind words SI. They mean a lot to me. They really do.
Unfortunately they are going to have to go it alone now. I’ve told my sister that no matter what happens, or what goes on, I love her and if she ever needs an ear, she knows where to find me.
I am no longer running after them.
I guess I just want some closure. You know, a final decision. It if were a boyfriend, the relationship would be over and I could move on. How do you do that when its your father?
Hey gurl…times like these will just pass and you will only turn out to be much stronger than you thought you were. I am sure, you hurt like hell and the pain may just never cease but somewhere downn in your heart you know that you have always done best in their interest. Some people do take their own sweet time to realise it…and I sure hope its not too late for them. He will realise one fine day and maybe not even accept it in front of you…but I can be sure that deep down he sure knows about his own actions…!!! Hang in there gurl…all be well in no time!!!
Jinxie, I feel you girlfriend, for I have been in similar positions with every single member of my entire family for the past couple of years. It makes you feel so rejected, sick, lost….
I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you we could be family. It wont take away the hurt. I wish I could tell you that they don’t deserve you. That won’t do anything either… its like a death to your soul. Thing is, you wonder why you aren’t good enough for simple love like everyone else huh… I know its like that for me.
If you need a shoulder.. Im here. I feel miserable for us both. You are not alone.
Dahlinks, I have been out of the scene dealing with a nightmare, breakdowns and now when I read this I am filled with sadness, I wish I had read this earlier, I wish that you didn’t have to go through such pain, wish I was there to give you this big huge filled with love hug, gazillion of them!
Tomorrow while the kids are out with the witch I am going to try give you a call ok?
Love you huns, hangs in there and stay strong – that bastard doesn’t deserve you, his loss and his sadness because you are one of the most amazing incrediblist humans I have ever known… you are an earth angel. Period.
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs