Learning to trust again

I’m not really sure where this is going… my head is a bit all over the place at the moment… perhaps trying to understand somethings???

I am me because you are my brother… my brother and I are quite close… i feel stressed and nervous about things… and something happens to him… and my feeling dissipates. He has had a gun to his head. Not once, but twice… I had the feeling that something was coming. That something was bad… like i was going to crash, or something bad was going to happen to me… and then he is held up at gun point, smacked by the butt of the gun. But he’s ok. And I’m ok. And the feeling passes.

We’ve always been close. I am because he is. He is because I am. … sometimes you just know something… I just know when my partner is joking around, lying to me. He can’t lie… but even when he’s pretending… I just know… i can hear it in his voice, or see it in his eyes. I can feel it within me.

I stopped trusting myself a while ago… I let people treat me badly. I have come far since then. Learning to trust yourself is the hardest thing. harder than trusting someone new. Because it means you have to believe in yourself. Even when no-one else does. Especially when no-one else does. You allow yourself to be walked upon, beaten into the ground, for fear of making waves, for fear of hurting those around you. Putting them first. Always. Sometimes though, you need to step up. Put yourself first. How can you be there for someone else when you can’t be there for you? How can you give of yourself, when you can’t give to yourself?

It took me a long time, but I do believe that I am trusting myself again. The decisions I have made over the last 2 to 3 years have been the right ones… they have been good ones. Sometimes I may have felt like I was losing my way, but sitting here, right now… I know without a doubt that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

And, for the most part, it is good.

Monkey and Baby G

How can it not be? I am living with the most amazing man on the planet… I have the two single most beautiful kitties, and I have the most gorgeous puppy all living in my space.  This is NOT including the amazing people that I have met throughout my life, and the other amazing people who happen to still be in my life right now.

I am truly blessed. And all I can say is that I am glad that I doubted myself. I am glad that I do still doubt myself. It is this that keeps the ego at bay. It is this that keeps me grounded.

I have learnt alot over the last few months, again, about myself, and about how I allowed myself to “let” people slip away when they seemed to need someone most. I wasn’t there for them when I should have been. But at the same time I understand that I was younger then… caught up in my own life, my own space, and I was trying to be the brave and happy child everyone knew me to be.

So, while I was putting on my brave face, so were others… I just wish that I’d known things back then… I just wish that I could have done more – even if it was just more listening… I find myself even now wanting to talk and know more… know what others think, looking for some kind of accreditation or validation… but I know, that at the end of the day, only I can truly validate who I am. Only I know exactly everything about me and only I can judge me.

I don’t want to be the person that doesn’t listen – not to what people are saying, but to what they are not saying. I want to understand and know and help and hold hands… But I also know that sometimes things are just not up to me.

But what if I COULD have done something, but I felt it wasn’t my place? What if I COULD have ensured that certain things didn’t happen? Would I be just imposing my will? Or would I be helping? What if something does happen, simply because I wasn’t brave or strong enough to do or say something – even though I truly felt it was not my place?

Am I being a coward? Or did I learn a lesson? When is it ok, and when is it not, to get involved in someone else’s life?  Do I take a step back so that they can learn their lesson? Or do I step forward to teach what I believe should be taught? When I know that that will make things worse NOW, but if bad happens, then I will feel it and know that I did the wrong thing for the rest of my life?