Today, tomorrow, whenever
3 December, 2008Its strange, after writing what I did yesterday, my mind wanders back, not to what happened, but to what I wrote. It feels strange being so calm about things when I used to be so frantic.
I loved these kinds of situations where I could allow myself to get all worked up, when I had a good and valid reason to be all righteous and angry and over the top. And now… I can just sit here, shrug my shoulders, and continue with my work.
I thought at one stage that I’d become addicted to saga’s. Addicted to reacting and being all emotional and allowing myself to kind of over react. I think that this year has been good. I have calmed down. From never reacting to anything, to over reacting… I think I am finally finding my balance. My calm.
Well, thats what I hope… because if that’s not the case, then maybe I’m turning cold and callous… towards my own blood. Now that’s just a scary thought. No. I think I’m just growing and realising that some things are worth the energy… and others… well, they were once worth it… but the time has come to remain calm.
My mom thinks I should talk to my dad, she reckons he’s doing the same to me as he did to her all those years ago. Treating her badly, manipulating her… etc, etc.
But I am afraid that if I do talk to him, if I tell him all the things that I think and feel, well, then its over. The line will have been crossed. The minute I actually say things it means I no longer really care about the consequences. It means that I have finally accepted defeat, and that it is time to move on – well, that’s how it was with my ex boyfriends… and I am not ready to write him off. Not yet.
I think you’re finding the healthy balance here, not becoming cold or callous in any way.
Remember though, your father is not like your old boyfriends in one significant detail – it’s harder, much harder, to truly write family off. If you talk to him and it ends badly then maybe a year or two will pass with both of you feeling huffy about each other. But I don’t know how possible it is for that to be the end, a complete end, because he IS your father, despite the fact he’s been treating you with disrespect and disregard for your feelings. Just remember that even if you confront him, it’s not really the end.
You know.. its interesting. I went through all of this crapola with my own family and finally I said: I give! And that, was the best day of my life. Because I finally broke free of the constant drama, trauma, and stress.
Good luck honey.
I feel as though I, well, I just don’t have the energy for all the drama. But at the same time, I do believe that my sister is worth fighting for, and the right things are worth fighting for, but I’m not sure I want to get that involved in her life… ugh. If something happens to her, and I could’ve fought, then I’ll feel it for the rest of my life… But perhaps I’m only over reacting, but at the same time, I may be over reacting, and chances are she’ll be absolutely fine… but what is she learning by being shown this kind of irresponsibility? Will she also always take the easy route like my dad does?
Been there, done that, bought the tshirt. You will kill yourself trying to help, show her the right path. You will extend yourself to her because that is who you are. She will take it all for granted and act as though you have done nothing for her. Seriously.
I did it for my two brothers for YEARS. I believed in their good. I bailed them out of everything from relationships to financial issues over and over and over again. There comes a point where you just see it for the truth. They are going to make their mistakes, their choices with you, or without you. All you are doing is wasting your time, energy and resources. And in the end guess what? They will resent you for it. Cause A. You are the “know it all”. B “You think you are better than everyone else”. C “You had it so easy in your life you would never understand”. D. “You are always in everyone else’s business”.
Oh yeh sister. I have soo been there. Been there…. I got the scars. Wanna see?????
Lol Amber definitely has the scars but they are healing and she is becoming more shiny bright than ever before! Seriously… did the same … not pretty
Once I fetch the kids going to sit down and have a proper read, am missing you sooooo muches!
Hugs to you, hang in there huns ok
Mwah mwah!