Anger or Emptiness?

Which is worse? To get all worked up about something or someone? Or to just feel nothing?

I had a family member come into my home on Saturday and tell me how I should and shouldn’t act with my sister who, for many reasons, has moved back into my house. She will be staying with me for, apparently, one month. And my father has told me that I am not allowed to moan at her in any way sort or form.

Now, I completely understand that she is having a tough time… and that she needs a little extra love. Which I have no problem giving. And I open my home up to her whenever she needs it. And by now, she should know this. But to be told that I am not allowed to basically “talk” to her if, for example she leaves my gate open, or my house in a mess? I don’t think so.

He basically told me that I don’t have a clue as to what is going on with her, or how she’s feeling. And that the way I usually treat her is not on. (Apparently I try to hard to be mom to her – but her own parents are so full of shit… we have the same dad and different moms… that someone has to tell her right from wrong? And teach her some of the things that she missed out on – like respect for others and common decency, and perhaps sometimes cleanliness – when she leaves my wet towels lying on the floor in her bedroom, destroying not only the towels but the carpets…). Anyway… so I was given no credit for knowing what its like to have to move back “home” – I guess perhaps he forgot that I did it twice, and neither times did he treat me any different, or any nicer.

He forgets that I’ve had friends in the same situation, that have come back to me and asked if they could come and stay with me for a while so they can sort themselves out a bit. Like I said, my home is always open to those close to me, and I tell them that.

I was offended. I was offended because he came into my home, that I share with my Monkey, and told me how to behave. He came into my home and told me how to treat someone else, as if I wasn’t good enough to be the person she needed me to be. She knows me by now. She lived with my for most of this last year. She knows how I am – my biggest failing being that I tend to overreact, but at the same time, I also calm down very quickly.

The way I see it, she doesn’t need molly codling and niceness, she needs truth and honesty. He just wants to protect her from everything, probably over compensating for not being there for my brother and I as we were growing up, but the way I see it, she is now in a safe place, perfect – but she needs to realise and understand that actions have consequences. She doesn’t get that. How do you explain that to someone who’s father doesn’t understand it?

He’s bought her a motorbike to drive – and she doesn’t have a licence. No wonder she doesn’t understand responsibility? Now what am I supposed to do? Cause some shit? Tell her that she is not allowed to drive the thing while she is under my roof? Honestly, I think she needs someone to put their foot down. Someone to actually give her some direction. And sadly, I don’t want to get that involved. I don’t want her life and issues and everything to consume me. She is not my child, I shouldn’t need to parent her, and when I do, then I get crapped on from all angles. She is 10 years my junior – and the closest thing she has to “home” is my house.

I was so angry about this on Saturday, and then, well, I just couldn’t bing myself to focus on it anymore, I couldn’t bring myself to think about it – everytime I started thinking about it my mind would move on, and I would start thinking about other things… I thought I was angry… I guess maybe I was/am just offended that my father had no respect for me in my own house, that he thinks he can tell me what to do, when he has never even tried to help me with things… I thought I was upset about the fact that he does these things for my brother and sister, and has never stood up for me like that…

But all I feel is empty. I am not angry, that’s to strong an emotion. I am just, well, I guess the best phrase would be “over it”. Its not important enough to think about. Its not important enough to mull over. I told my sister what my dad had said. And she reckons I should talk to him about stuff – but about what? He’s shown me time and time again what he is made of, and this time I really thought he’d changed… but coming into my home on Saturday and showing me how little credit he gives me for actually being there for my own sister? Well, I should have seen it coming. I guess I was more upset with myself… and now, well, how does that song go, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Shame on me for wanting to believe that my own father thought about my feelings, and what having my sister is doing to me in my own home. Its about her, got nothing to do with me… the fact that my man and I no longer have any privacy, the fact that her furniture and all her belongings are in my garage so we can no longer use it, the fact that he is going out of his way to help someone that he doesn’t even much like? No, that’s not affecting my relationship at all. Its all about her…

And I’m not upset with her about it. I told her that moving out in the first place was a bad idea – but I’m just the big sister, I don’t really have much say. I’m not her mom, or her dad. And if I was… well, my kids would have a better grounding than what she does. And this is one of the reasons I am so incredibly grateful for my mom. Looking at my sister… and then my brother and me – yes, it also took us some time to find our feet, the journey wasn’t roses, but at least we had her… and I like to think that my sister has us… but I’m not prepared to put myself in the line of fire anymore. It must be requested. A hand must come out, saying, please, I need your help.

I have learnt the hard way that I cannot help those that do not wish to help themselves. I’ve been burned by doing that. Am I just jaded? And so I go from helping anyone to no-one? One extreme to the next? Or is it a lesson? I guess that if I hadn’t learnt the lesson though I would be all up in my sisters business, basically sorting out her life – and that is something she needs to do for herself. I can be all things to her. I am not her friend. I am her sister. I am his daughter. And he treats me with disdain. With no respect. With no pride for who I am.

I feel like I should be crying because of this. But at the moment, I just feel empty. I feel nothing. Perhaps I’ve lived with it for 29 years, another example, another slap in the face is just, well, expected. So I just shrug my shoulders, and I guess, do what I’ve always done. Ignore it. Let it go over me like water of a ducks back. I have had my say here, and have no reason to think on it anymore. Its time to just let it go. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Or perhaps I’m still looking for some kind of acknolwedgment so I don’t rock the boat. Whatever it is, I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like confronting him. I’ve tried before, telling him how I feel… and he doesn’t listen. It doesn’t matter what I think or feel. Not to him.

And I learnt that a long time ago. And you know what? I guess I forgive him for it. There are no excuses. But I forgive him. I just can’t hold onto the anger or hurt anymore. Its just not worth it for me.