The love stories – A recap

Today is not going to be a love story per se, but rather a recap of the last 6 chapters.This may include info that wasn’t added in the first round…

1. Chapter 1 – Aged 16 – 19.  Relationship length: 2 years, 9 months. I was at school. He was my first “love”. At the end of matric (grade 12), I left Johannesburg, moved back down to Cape Town and started Teachers training college. Within 2 months, I was back in Joeys living with him. I was 18. There’s no one single reason exactly that I can put my finger on as to why this didn’t work. I guess he was maybe too controlling. He wanted me to be a certain way, and I never knew what that way was… and I was losing myself. There was a big black pit where my heart should have been. I was being manipulated into having sex when it was sore or I just plain didn’t want to, because it was easier to roll over and open my legs. I was being shouted at and screamed at like an I was an idiot. I guess all these things just added up… And before they managed to break me, I walked out. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I guess that’s what I can say to all my breakups. (oh, and did I mention the break-up at 6 months… so I guess you could say I didn’t trust him).
2. Chapter 2: Aged 19 – 20. Relationship length: 1 year. It was fun. And I had gone from a serious relationship into this, and didn’t quite know how to handle it. I think I got to serious to quickly. He was just looking for fun. And I fell for him. I went straight into “relationship” mode. I was no longer welcome at his house. And I had to fetch and carry him. I started resenting him – he would only call for a booty call. Otherwise, he would prefer to see his friends. I realised that, not only was I not what he wanted. He was not what I wanted. He also apparently kissed a girl when I was in Cape Town one weekend. So the trust dissappeared here to.
3. Chapter 3: Aged 20 – 21. Length: 1 year. This was also supposed to be a fun fling – from my side at least, and I guess from his. He was supposed to leave within a month or two of us getting together. And he didn’t. Which wasn’t a bad thing… but I’m not sure I would have dated him if I knew he was staying. I had just been in two relationships, one after the other, spanning nearly 4 years. I wanted to have some fun. I didn’t want to get to serious… but he stayed, and we stayed together. I’ve been told that I broke him. That he has never been the same since I ended things with him. I guess the reason here was that I was tired of having the same discussions over and over again (you have a wall up, why won’t you let me past your wall. I’m here, just talk to me… ). I wasn’t ready to let someone in that much. He was trying to hard to know me. To know the me that makes me tick. He didn’t want to take the time – he wanted me to tell him? I guess?
4. Chapter 4: Spent 6 months being single. Yay me. Then: Aged 21/22. Length: 6 months. As usual, great at first. We were good friends before we started seeing each other. But we were in each others faces to much. To often. He used to get upset when I wanted me time. So I may have over reacted, and ended things. But I don’t think it was an over reaction. If he was like that after 6 months, I would hate to know what he would have been like now. I needed my space, and it was almost as though he was trying to cage me. I’m fiercly independent. I hold on to that. And he seemed to be trying to take it away. He also complained once or twice of not being able to get to a part of me. But, sometimes, all someone needs is patience. I didn’t want to know everything about them… not right off the bat. I knew that I would know what I needed to when I needed to know it. So the reason for break-up – to clingy, to jealous (ain’t it funny that sometimes relationships end because of the very things that bring you together??? – I’ve been told I’m a flirt (I say friendly, affectionate even – if I know you) … And they loved it when I flirted with them, or was affectionate in a friendly way with them… and then it becomes a problem! Of MASSIVE proportions). Anyways…
5. Chapter 5: Again I was single for 6 months. Aged: 23. length: 6 months. He was amazing. He really was. He was my knight in shining armour. He really swept me off my feet. I’d never met or dated anyone like him. But hey, I was attracted to him, so there had to be something wrong with him right? lol. He really did treat me like a princess… until he broke-up with me. I was crushed. But learnt to live with it. And now, I’m really glad he broke-up with me, because looking back. He was surface. I never really got under his skin. He liked me, yes, and found me attractive, yes. I thought he did love me. But thinking about it now. It really was surface. He didn’t love me. He didn’t know me. And he never really took the time, or wanted to know me. And you know what, I’m ok with that. Grateful really. Because if it wasn’t for him, I may have missed out on 2 very important people and 1 life changing lesson.
6. Chapter 6: Single again for 6 months (habit or something). Age: 24. length: About 9 or 10 months? Year: 2003 going into 2004. I started studying at the beginning of 2003. And this started in about the August. The reason for break-up? I didn’t trust him. Why? Cocaine. He was addicted. And he lied as often as he could. We lived together from day one. And I got to see things I never wanted to. It was a very passionate relationship, fighting, screaming, shouting, loving. The lows were very low, and the highs were incredible. But the highs never lasted, and the lows were getting lower. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. I did what I could to try and help him. And then I realised that I can’t help him. He must want to help himself. And he wasn’t going to do that with me holding his hand. He needed to sort himself out alone. Or should I say, without me. I couldn’t watch it anymore.  I never mentioned this: But my mom and her husband of 12 years – the man who was more involved in my life than my father – were getting divorced. My mom had also “given up”. My step father was, and still is a practicing alchoholic. No, he doesn’t black out, or do crazy shit. He just doesn’t stop drinking. And my mom couldn’t do it any more either. I was cross at the time… but it seems we both had a similar lesson to learn.  When I say I was cross – I was so angry at her for taking away the one example of a relationship that I had in my life. A solid, stable (ish) marraige. And she threw it away. That was the child part of me. The adult in me was happy for her. She’d been talking about it for years. Wanting more for herself than a partner who loved beer more than her. I was proud of her for standing up and getting out. But I was sore. And I will never tell her I was sore. Ok, maybe one day I will. But not now.

And perhaps tomorrow… will be chapter 7. Or it might be the 18 months I spent alone. Single. Misbehaving. The 18 months I spent learning… about me… but that… is for tomorrow…