Dreaming again

I was going to go into Chapter 5 of the love stories today. But. I had another dream last night. One that again left my heart in incredible pain and me in tears.

I dreamt that my other half broke up with me. We were driving somewhere as we were going away for the weekend. And on the way, he broke the bombshell. He was leaving me for another woman. And he proceeded to tell me that he had other relations with others over the last few months or so.

I was heart broken. I woke up in the middle of the night needing the loo, and I wasn’t really paying attention to what was in my head… but as I climbed into bed, this wave of pain hit me as I remembered. And yes, I was a girl and started crying. I snuggled into my man, because in my dream, he had hurt me. And I knew that it was only a dream… and the truth is that right then and there he was in our bed. Lying next to me. And only he could make me feel better.

This isn’t the first time he’s broken my heart in a dream. And its not the first time I’ve woken up crying because of it.  Its funny. I used to be all ice queen and say to myself… well, if he finds someone else and breaks up with me. Its fine. It’ll hurt like hell. But I’ll get over it. I’ve done it before. And I will do it again.

But now, now I know that if this relationship doesn’t work out I will be completely and utterly devastated. If he leaves, or if something happens to him. I will be destroyed. I won’t just bounce back as usual. I will eventually… but I will never be the same. He truely is my one and only. The one I should have waited for all those years ago. But then again, if I had waited, I would never have experienced what I have, and I would never appreciate him for what he is.

Just thinking about losing him makes my heart ache and tears come to my eyes. Why do we think like this? I just want to enjoy him! Not fear losing him. One day, I might lose him. But I want to enjoy every moment that I get. I never have taken him for granted and I hope I never do.

So the question I ask myself is what do these dreams mean? Is it just a fear? Coming to the foreground in my dreams? Or is it a predictor? Every time I’ve dreamt of a boyfriend actually kissing someone else, they have… but these dreams aren’t like that. I never see the infidelity. Its just him ending things… The one dream I had, and this was very entertaining to him… but what had happened was, I dreamt we were living together, and we went on holiday somewhere and stayed with some family friends of his. And he proposed to the daughter there. Now I was living with him? And he proposed to someone else?

Another one – right at the beginning of the relationship, I dreamt that an ex of mine (will be Chap 5) was getting married – and something happened to his bride – she dissappeared or something, and for some reason he needed a stand in. So I agreed – I put on the veil so no-one could see it was me, and then I went ahead as her. But someone who knew me saw that it was me and called my other half and told him that I was getting married before I had a chance to tell him that I was just standing in… The marriage was going to be anulled. And by the time I managed to speak to him it was to late. He had gone and slept with someone else.

Now… If you know my man, you’d know that he wouldn’t do these things. He’s incredibly fussy with who he dates and he’s not the type to go behind your back. I know you’re thinking… yeah, well, you never can tell. But you can. And if he did do something like what my dreams portray… then everyone who knows him will be truely shocked.  He just laughs at my dreams. They’re just dreams nana. But he still gives me an extra tight squeeze cos he knows that I get upset by them.

Or maybe the dream is telling me something about myself? Maybe its inverting stuff? Maybe I’ll cheat on him? Which, in all honesty is also very very unlikely. I can’t lie. How on earth would I ever get cheating right. Besides that. I really love this man. And I know that love is an over used word. But this man means the world to me. And if I had to do something so stupid like cheat on him? Then I don’t deserve him. And there’s not a chance that I’m going to fuck this relationship up like that (sorry, no other word).  He completes me. He knows me in a way that no-one else has ever taken the time to know me. He is patient. Kind… etc, etc… but I guess I should wait until Chapter 7 for all this!

But seriously now, I also dream of befriending aliens who look like humans until the get turned on, or go to sleep/rest… who just happen go to varsity with me, and I offer to share a dorm room with them so that their secret is safe, and so that they can sleep, because they change back into themselves/i.e. out of human form/ when they relax … so who knows what these all mean…