A distance that brings us closer

Its really strange how, when the ones you love most, or the ones you’ve known the longest, somehow move closer when they move away.

Explain? Ok, lets take firstly my mother, and then my brother as examples.

My mom:

I moved away from my mother at the tender age of 16. Yes, she was pissed at me! Big time. Not only did I move out of home, I moved to another town, and in with my father! She was livid! Anyway, so, from then, she still tried to contact me once a week, but we didn’t have a landline for her to call me on, and in that days cellphones were still kinda new and I didn’t have one. My dad did though – but he was hardly ever home so I couldn’t give her a time and place where she could call me – usually she phoned on my boyfriends phone, and I was with him more often than not…. which I’m not so sure she approved of.

Anyway, so I finished school in Johannesburg, moved back to Cape Town for 2 months and then decided to go back to Joeys to live with the same boyf. Yes. At the age of 18 I moved in with a boy. Jeepers, I thought my mom was cross when I moved away at 16… this time she just about exploded. But she let me do it. She let me go (thanks mom . And I learnt a lot… but that’s not what this post is about today… This time I managed to get my own cellphone (mobile). And she called me religiously once a week.

I guess that “forced” talking time, that time that gets set aside once a week, where you can talk and share became really important to both of us. I saw her maybe 2 to 4 times a year – each time for no longer than a week, sometimes just for the weekend. And we got to know each other in a different way – she wasn’t asking me to tidy my room, or take out the trash, or do the dishes. We could just talk.

It been 13 years (nearly) since my mom and I have lived in the same town… Yes, I’ve moved back to CT, but she’s moved away – she went overseas and has been there for about 2 1/2 years. And we still talk – sometimes 10 days may go by. But she always calls. And its so nice to talk to her. You know, about things that you can’t really talk to other people about, my mom and I talk about her sex life (no, not how good or bad it is – the fact that it exists! I really don’t want any more detail than that! I mean seriously, she’s my mom, and I love her… but there’s a line), we talk about her work week, my work week, things that are bugging us, things that made us happy that week… just stuff. But its almost as though during the week I put in a box “stuff I want to talk to mom about”… from  water retention… to cycling… to work… to the weather… to family… to friends… to everything… and it gets put in the box… and when she calls we talk for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. Some days I’m not in the mood to chat… but by 10 minutes into the conversation, I get caught up… and we can go on and on and on! Girls!

We couldn’t talk like that when we lived together. There’s something about the phone that allows you to be more open, more honest than in person. There’s something about instant chats that allow the same. There’s a distance between you, and you know that its “safe” to talk to each other – because you’re not going to embarass the other through the conversation, you’re not going to tease them or air their dirty laundry in public. All you need to do is listen… talk some and listen some… some days she does most of the talking, and other days I do. The freedom distance offers is amazing.

Then we take my brother:

I moved to Joeys to live with him (and my father of course)… and in the 12 years I was there he lived in the UK and CT. He was gone for about 5 years… but he’d been in Joeys for the last 5 years I was there (maybe even 6). And well, at one point we lived together for a year or two, but after that… we didn’t really talk that much. Now that’s not to say we weren’t close. My brother and I have the type of relationship that no matter how much time has passed, we can always pick up where we left off. As I’ve mentioned before, he knows me as I am. And I know him. We know each others moods by the tone of voice, the nuances in  body language. We just know. I don’t think we could be any closer if we were twins.

So in the last few years in Joeys, after we moved out of the house we were living in, we went our own way. We saw each other maybe once every two or three months for a quick catch up session, or we called each other maybe once a month. But we were both carrying on with our lives… just doing what we wanted on a day to day basis. And it was fine. He did his thing. And I did mine. Knowing that the other was just a phone call away.

And then I moved to CT, and he went overseas. I think I’ve spoken more to him this year than I did in the last two years alone!  Every now and again he calls my landline at home. Hey Kiddo, just wondering how you doing? What’s happening? Or, like yesterday, on my drive hime, I call him from my cellphone just to say hi.  To tell him we love and miss him. And are wishing him well on his adventure.

Him and my sister are quite close as well – he’s a lot closer to  her than I am… and yet she doesn’t stay in touch with him as much. Ok, granted she is much younger and doesn’t necessarily have the cash to spend to call him, but then how much does a text message cost? Shame, he keeps moaning at me because she doesn’t contact him… and I can’t always call him when she’s around… so in a way, his distance from us has brought us closer, but at the same time its putting a distance between the two of them.

My brother is a sensitive soul, and we’re the only two girls in his life that he just wouldn’t be able to live without. His love for us is complete. He doesn’t judge. It is unconditional. And that’s how we love him. He is our rock. Our stability. Our star in a dark night sky. That sibling love, knowing everything about each other, and still choosing to stand together is incredible. If only more people could be like that – towards others. Not only siblings. Wow.

I wish now that I had spent more time with my big brother when we lived in the same town. Just knowing that he was so close and not taking advantage of it. But at the same time, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. He got to do the things he wanted, and I was doing my own things… and we came together at times that were right. We spent time together when the time was right. When we needed a knock on the head… he is my reason and sense, and I am his.

I miss both of them. Some days lots, some days not so much. But at the end of the day, they’re both only a phone call away. And then we can talk and talk and talk…  And we talk about things that we wouldn’t have spoken about in person… because the time we have to talk is precious, we fill it with important things… with feelings, emotions, love, fear, frustration, hopes, dreams. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.